Blogging, the new confessional

In the old days we used to seek out people to talk to about our problems, our shortcomings, our sins.  People, real flesh and blood people with faces, people.  When we could not find the strength to tell them our deepest darkest secrets, our demons, we sought out anonymous places to give an account of our failures, the confessional.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Simple, quick, easy, anonymous.

Now, we have all those things and more right at our fingertips with the internet and the sacrament of blogging.  I can say almost anything, legal statutes aside, and no one will know, or care.  I may even be applauded for laying it all out there, or for committing the act itself, or I may even receive some sage advice that may help me in the journey that is my life.

That being said, I have a confession.

I am not a good man.  I am selfish, self-centered, self-loathing.  I have left a wake of damaged relationships throughout my life including those of my significant other and my children.  So much so that my spouse told me the other day that we are through, finished, kaput.

By no means am I blaming her, I just needed to get it off my chest.  I am losing my wife, getting divorced.

Bye bye marriage.

I don't want it, but I understand.  Neither of us can live with the shit I have dumped on this family.  It is over, she has checked out and there is absolutely nothing I can do.

We made a go of it, but after more than a decade and a half we are calling it quits.

I am having a tremendously hard time dealing with this, and really, it just does not seem real, but I figured if I could put this out there on the internet where everything is true, I just might believe it.

Now, what is my penance?.

Stabbed in the Back

Man, it has been so long since I posted anything.  Not that anyone cares what I have to say, or that you all even know who I am or could give a rip about me. 

I have been busy.  Busy being used by every person around me.  Busy being shat upon by anyone that feels I will just take it, and I will mind you.  I take it every single time.  However, believe me, I have done my fair share of shitting on those around me as well and I have come to realize one thing.

Shitting on someone is circular, it eventually comes back to you.  

Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about Karma, I am simply saying that the sweet smell of shit likes to be shared.  It wafts from person to person, relationship to relationship, until it eventually makes its way back to you.   

How wonderful.

Anyway, it has just made its way back to me.  I am enjoying the foul stench.  It is filling my nostrils and everything around me seems tainted by it.  Much like the lingering odor of a physically active middle-aged fat man who has yet to learn the joys of deodorant, the smell just won't go away.  Now mind you, I am not saying I don't deserve the wonderful gift of a big steamy pile of it, I am more just saying that it is here and I am suffering.

Now I find myself being pushed away from family, being sabotaged by those who claim to love me, being stabbed in the back, kicked while I'm down, having salt poured in the wounds.  I am feeling overall, you guessed it, shat upon.

I have two choices.  I could just go on shitting on those shitting on me, and more than likely, everyone around me (I have already started down that road, although I am not yet committed to it), or I could choose the alternative.  I could just let it slide, not pay it forward, I could just wash off the fumes and move on.

I am not sure what I will do.  My every instinct is telling me to drop trow on everyone, but there is a little voice buried deep in my head saying, STOP!!!

We will just have to wait and see.  

Will to be the better man, low.  Will to live, even lower.